Chapter Three: Making Listening a Habit, Page 27

Turning Toward: Kat and SamAs we listen, we should always turn toward people and provide them with the clear message that we are giving them our undivided attention.Consider the story of Kat and Sam.“He doesn’t pay any attention to me when I talk,” Kat said. “It’s like talking to a wall. He is always doing something else. When I began to talk to him I want him to turn off the computer, listen to me and look at me.”“I listen to you,” Sam said. “I don’t have to look at you to listen to you. I hear what you say. I’m busy. I’ve got lots to do at work and at home. I don’t like sitting still when I have things to do. I have reports to read. I have animals to tend to on the farm, and firewood to chop for the stove. I like being able to sit down and read the paper. I have email to read and answer. I have no time to just sit and talk.”“And how do you think that makes me feel?” Kat asked. “You have time to wake me up in the middle of the night and make love.” She paused, looked up at the ceiling and continued, “Make love is the word I like to use, but I’m just fooling myself. No love is made by your late-night pokes. How can anyone feel loved unless they are looked at, noticed, acknowledged, understood, recognized? I need your eyes. I need you to turn toward me when I talk. You do the opposite.You were on the bed once, not yet up and I was brushing my teeth. I came back into the bedroom and began to talk to you, and you know what you did? You immediately got up and went to get the paper outside. My speaking to you, my asking you for attention seems to be your cue to find a way to avoid listening to me. I want someone to look at me when I speak.“Sex for a man begins and ends with genital contact. If it’s good sex it may last thirty minutes. Sex for a woman begins with the eyes. Every time his eyes look at her with interest or desire, a woman gets more excited. As a man’s eyes continue to honor her with their attention, a woman wants to share more of herself.“As a woman, I need your eyes. As your wife, I need your eyes. As a person you respect, I need you to attend to me when I speak. Call me crazy if you want. I will always be hurt when you turn away from me.”“I don’t get it,” Sam said. “We are both busy. You know I love you. I wouldn’t do all I do for you if I didn’t love you. Dr. McMillan, why should eye contact matter when I hear what she says?”“I don’t think that you really do hear what she says, if you aren’t looking at her when she speaks,” I said.“I think I do,” he replied.“Well that may be true,” I said. “Kat can give you another test by simply asking you to repeat what she just said the next time you have such a conversation. But eye contact helps all of us listen better. Whether or not you get all that Kat says when you speak is not the point. The point I’m making is that your eyes help you listen.“The point Kat is making is a different one. And that is your eyes matter to her. There is research that has been donw with infants on eye contact. In the research it is called “mirroring.” Infants can fail to thrive and die without it. It is essential to the infant’s psychological well-being. If this is true for infants, it must also be true for adults. Kat says it important to women and further she says it matters a great deal to her.”“I don’t want to live in a relationship in which I’m ignored,” Kat said. Kat makes the point that we all need attention and that where people focus their eyes tells us where their attention is. Research about multi-tasking seems to indicate that our brains are organized to focus on one thing at a time. And men especially have trouble focusing on more than one thing. Your eyes simply help you stay focused. They are another sensory channel receiving and reinforcing the input from our auditory channels.