Chapter 2: Bad Habits, Page 11

When the Distancer/Pursuer Role Becomes a Habit: Deana and PeteThe predicament of the pursuer is illustrated in the title of George Gershwin’s first published song, When You Want Em, You Can’t Get Em.Deana and Pete are in my office.Deana began, “I had an affair because I wanted you to find out,” Deana said. “I hoped that you would get a backbone, stand up for yourself and divorce me.Pete responded, “I know it is my fault Deana had an affair. I am too demanding. I want too much of her time. I am too needy. That is what Deana says. But I love her so much. I don’t know what I would do without her.”“There he goes again,” Deana interrupted. “Pete, you are so pathetic. It’s disgusting. I am so tired of you always crowding me. I had an affair because I thought it would drive you away. I don’t want to be responsible for making you happy. It’s too much. Why don’t you get a life? Surely there is something that you can enjoy other than sitting with me on the couch watching sports. Sports bore me. You bore me.”“Its sports or it’s the way I sit or it’s that I use a toothpick to pick my teeth,” Pete said. “We can watch Oprah. That doesn’t suit you. You don’t like my hair so I shave my head for you and now you say I’m an old bald man. I take you out to eat, or I cook, and you still would rather eat with your friends, not me.”“Well at least I have friends,” Deana said.“I know it’s my fault that our relationship is not working,” Pete said. “I should have more friends. I’m not in very good physical shape either, but I’m working on that.”“Maybe that would help,” Deana said. “I don’t know. I just wish you weren’t such a clinging vine. You call me everyday three times a day.”“I know I do,” Pete says, “It’s only to remind you of how much I love you.”“Ugh,” Deana said. “You are disgusting.”Pete turned to me and asked, “What do we do, Dr. McMillan? I don’t seem to have anything to offer to Deana.”“Once you did,” I said. “Once I’ll bet she enjoyed your attention.”“Yes, I did once,” Deana admitted. “He wouldn’t give up. He kept pushing until I gave in. That’s what he does. He is always selling himself to me. He never leaves any space for me. He is always trying to convince me to love him, telling me how much he loves me and making me feel guilty.”“So Pete you need to back up,” I said. “Turn your attention to something else. Don’t call her at work. Don’t try to please her. Stop trying to get her to love you. Have some self-confidence that if you withdraw, Deana might wonder where you are and come looking for you.”“I’m not that kind of person,” Pete said. “I sell for a living. I have a persistent personality. I keep coming back. If I stop pursuing Deana, she will just leave me.”“So what if she does?” I asked. “Right now you continue to lose your dignity. Why would you want to be in such an insulting relationship? If you don’t think that Deana loves you, why stay?”“Because I am not strong enough to let go,” he admitted. “I don’t know what I would do without her.”“Well, you need to find out,” I said. “If you don’t get a life beyond Deana and develop some self-confidence, you will surely lose this relationship. And if you do withdraw, get a life and the relationship ends, you have a good start on moving into a new life.”“What can Deana do?” Pete asked.“I’m not sure Deana wants to do anything to keep this relationship alive,” I said.“Oh, maybe I do,” Deana said. “I’m not sure.”“Deana, you also have a crisis of self-confidence like Pete. While Pete is afraid of being alone you see closeness with Pete as a black hole that will suffocate your spirit. You create emotional distance to protect your individuality and to challenge Pete to develop a self.”“Yes that’s exactly right,” Deana said.“But Deana,” I said, “instead of giving Pete space to develop a separate self, you seem to be tearing down his confidence. Instead of protecting your autonomy, you seem to be caught in a reflexive cycle reacting to Pete, rather than moving toward your own goals.”“But I don’t have any special talents or goals,” Deana said. “And part of me enjoys the fact that Pete really wants to be with me.”“So you use Pete’s passion as your engine,” I said. “You get your energy by reacting to Pete. As you reject him, you find your passion. What would happen if you developed your own personal set of passions?”“What has happened to us is that we’ve grown apart,” Deana said. “Life has just led us in different directions. We don’t fit together anymore.”“That is just nonsense,” I said. “Nobody fits with anybody. Everybody is different. Men and women are certainly different. A relationship requires integrity, commitment and work. The fit is a constant problem that no relationship really solves. Deana, you can give up and that’s fine. We all have limits and we have a right to them. But don’t pretend that there is nothing you can do to make this relationship better.”“So what can I do?” Deana said defensively.“You can claim your part. That would help,” I said.“All right,” Deana said in an angry voice. “Yes, I find fault with you, Pete, when I shouldn’t. Things you do that I used to love you for now drive me nuts. I admit it. It’s not you. It’s me. I do want you to grow up and stop living for my approval. But I have to grow up and stop blaming you for my unhappiness. I am every bit as lost in this marriage as you. And I have been afraid to admit that.”“Now” I said. “If Pete can be still or move back and allow some space— and Deana, if you can can continue to tell your truth and move toward Pete— this relationship has a real chance for change.”This is how the distancer and the pursuer can change their relationship. Each can act against type and do the opposite of what they are comfortable doing. The relationship shifts when both parties accept responsibility. Overt and covert powers now become the same. Pete had the covert power of being the long-suffering good guy to Deana the witch. Though he didn’t say this openly, that is what both Pete and Deana felt at some level.Deana had overt power and seemed to be the dominant partner because her words ruled, but she never felt good about having this much power. She hated herself for abusing it. She wanted to stop but didn’t know how.Once Pete accepts her challenge to stand on his own two feet and once she stops using Pete’s faults to avoid facing her fears about herself, the relationship will grow and the roles will become fluid once again.