Chapter Four: Accountability, Page 18

Accountability Begins With Us: Frank and Diane Often the work we need to do will focus on ourselves and our own poor coping strategies.Frank and Diane came to see me. Diane was suicidal.“I can’t take it anymore,” she said. “I can’t say anything to Frank about what’s bothering me. He is so clueless. Our son John is ADD and Frank expects him to pay attention the first time. Then Frank yells. This happens constantly.“My job keeps me away from home.  I travel for a cosmetic firm. So I have to leave John at home with Frank alone. I know it is bad. I have no right to say anything because I’m leaving Frank with all the responsibility. And Frank is a good father. He just does not understand John and what he needs. Frank is better with our older daughter than I am and I know it. But I understood John and Frank doesn’t. I feel so guilty because I’m not there for John. I can’t please anybody no matter what I do. That’s why I want to die.”“Frank,” I said. “How do you see John? Do you agree with Diane in how she sees him?”“Yes I do,” Frank said. “And she is much better with John than I am.”“Can you move over and let her have more say in how John is parented?” I asked.“Sure,” he said.I said, “It seems you have Frank’s permission to take the lead here.”“Well, I want John to go to a school where he is not compared to his sister. That’s the first thing,” Diane said. “Then in the summer I want to send John off to camp so that he doesn’t have to be at home competing with his sister and so he can be more appropriately and patiently challenged than we can do at home. Is that all right with you, Frank?”“Yes,” Frank agreed. “That would be fine.”“So,” I said addressing Diane. “This wasn’t as hard as you imagined. What would your son have done if you had killed yourself? Look at how you may have just changed his life. You will see that he gets more of what he needs. Your son may owe a lot to this day. How do you feel about yourself now?”“Good,” she said.“How do you feel about Frank?” I asked.“Good,” she answered. “I’m remembering all the reasons I married him. He is not afraid of criticism. He has always had respect for me.”“Now, I’m going to do something mean,” I said. “I want to show you something about yourself and Frank. Do I have your permission? It is not serious and I don’t mean what I’m going to say. I don’t even believe it. But even with this disclaimer, I think you will see my point. Can you trust me here?”“I guess so,” Diane said. Frank nodded his assent.“Your son is eight years old,” I said. “And you are now doing the things for him that would help him. But where have you been? Why didn’t you stand up for him before? Why have you waited until now? What is wrong with you? What kind of mother are you?”Then I stopped, paused for a moment. Diane’s head was down. She was not looking at me.Then I asked her. “How do you feel about yourself?”“I hate myself.”“How do you feel about Frank?”“I hate him too.”“I didn’t mean any of those words,” I said. “But they are already in your head. That inner voice often speaks to you, and when it does, you turn on yourself. And when you turn on your self-hatred button, you also turn on the hating-Frank button.”“You’re right about that,” Diane agreed.“Now watch again,” I said. “Imagine your son John at age thirty coming to you and saying ‘The best thing that ever happened to me was going to Camp Watuga. It changed my life. And the next best thing was when you decided to send me to a school different than the one my sister had attended. You just always seemed to know what I needed. You are a great mom.’ Now how do you feel about yourself?”“I feel better,” she said.“And how do you feel about Frank?”“I love him again,” she said. “This is exactly what happens to me. I go up and down so quickly and my world changes from dark/bleak to light/happy and back again.”“Diane, you are a very successful person,” I said. “Top sales rep in the whole country. You make over $500,000 a year. You were the lead in your school play. You were athlete of the year in your hometown. You made great grades. You were top in your class in marketing in college. I know how you do this.”“How?” Frank asked.“Diana uses self-hatred to motivate herself,” I said. “She attacks herself to intimidate and scare herself into performing above and beyond. Giving everybody 150% leaves nothing for herself. This reinforces her hatred of herself because we are all dark and irritable when we are exhausted. Her tank runs on empty. The life she has created for herself is a miserable life.“Remember, once, Frank, when you were defending yourself and you raised your voice in here with me at Diane and she fell apart.”“I remember that,” Frank said.I said, “When your voice is raised and critical, it turns on her own critical voice and when your critical voice joins hers, she is being yelled at.”“’That’s right,” Diane said. “I have always been super sensitive. And I have always been super-hard on myself. That is how I’ve achieved what I have. Frank, it’s not you that has to change. I know that it’s me.”“Well that’s not exactly true,” I said. “Frank has enjoyed your $500,000. Frank has got to change to make room for you to take care of yourself. Maybe Frank doesn’t need a brand new Mercedes. Maybe you don’t have to live in an 8,000 square foot house. Maybe Frank can do more of what he did here today, which is listen to you, care and make space for your feelings and good sense.”“Yes,” Diane admitted. “That would help.”I don’t think I can make the point that balance begins inside the self any better than Frank and Diane’s story did. You won’t find peace and balance in your marriage, until you find balance in yourself. When we have a clear sense of who we are, the good and the bad, we can be a good partner. But if we think we are all good or all bad, God help our partners. To improve our relationship we must first work on ourselves.One might think that what Diane needs is good cognitive behavioral therapy, because she suffers from “stinkin thinkin.” I don’t entirely disagree with that, but it's more than “stinkin thinkin”—she suffers from faulty feelings. She is addicted to the emotion of disgust. Most of the time she aims her disgust at herself. When her disgust is not aimed at herself, Frank is often its target.Most of us use only half of the nine basic emotions to motivate and defend ourselves. (I write about this in my book Emotion Rituals). Diane uses only four of the nine basic emotions. She uses shame, sadness, fear and disgust. She avoids the emotions of joy, desire, relaxation, surprise and anger. She needs to focus on expanding her emotional range.Diane and Frank must keep working to make room for Diane to rest and to feel the joy that she deserves to feel from her competence. It would be nice if Diane and Frank came to their relationship as two whole adults.It is best if a relationship begins with competent adults as the main ingredients. Probably that will take a lifetime for Diane and Frank, just as it does for most of us. Until then, an apology may be the best we can do.