Chapter Nine: Two Interacting Parts

All social interactions consist of two parts. The first part, as described above, has often been defined as the male part. The receptive part, the second part, has traditionally been considered the female part. Instead of using gender terms, I suggest that we imagine a bolt and a nut.The bolt represents the projection of an idea, invitation, a proposal for action or an initiative. The nut represents the question that should meet a proposal or a bolt. And that question is: Does this fit here in this place, at this time, with these people? And does it serve a purpose? The bolt needs help to find a place where it belongs. Too often people project ideas that are not appropriate and do not fit the circumstances. Too often no one offers to help this initiative find its fit. Both the nut (the receiver) and the bolt (the initiator) play important roles in every social exchange. Though the terms “nut” and “bolt” provide illustrative images, they also contain some unfortunate pejorative meanings. Consequently, I will more often use the terms “initiator” and “receiver.” Whatever term we choose, the hope is that we challenge ourselves to develop both parts and learn to use them for the good of the relationship.Recently, I attended a local theatre production. In front of us sat two couples. At intermission, they stood and the women went together to the restroom, leaving the men standing, talking in front of us. One of them, Tom, was tall and fit while the other, Bill, was bald and a bit more round.“We just returned from seeing our son’s family in Ohio,” Bill said. “I played this great golf course, Rock Springs Golf Club. My son is a member. It’s a Nicklaus-designed course, very challenging. A good golfer like you would enjoy playing it.”“I have no time to go out of town,” Tom said, “and when I do, my wife likes to go to the beach. We are too busy raising our son’s children, while he serves his time in prison for dealing drugs. I wish I knew your secret for raising a boy into a man, Bill. How did you get your son into sports? I never got my son into team activities. I coached his Little League baseball team, but that didn’t work.”“My son liked any game with a ball and a team,” Bill said. “My secret? I never tried to coach him. I took him to batting lessons and pitching lessons and on the way home he would teach me what he learned. I played stupid to his smart. I think that worked because I didn’t get in his way.”“I’m going to try that with my nine-year-old grandson, that’s a good idea.” In this conversation Bill played the initiator (bolt) role and Tom took the receiver (nut) role. Bill proposed an idea and Tom expressed interest and allowed the idea to fit or not. Inside the conversation is another initiator and receiver example. Bill told Tom that he gave the initiator role to his son and he took the receiver role, celebrating his son’s knowledge. When the two women returned from the restroom they stood and talked in the aisle for a moment. One woman, Alice, was tall and dressed formally. The other woman, Tina, was short and petite, dressed in stylish exercise pants, jacket and running shoes.“Tina, I wish I could find the time to exercise like you,” Alice said. “I am twenty pounds overweight.”“No you aren’t,” Tina said in an authoritative voice. “The secret is just making yourself do it. I came here from the gym. You just have to organize your day and make it a priority.”“You are right,” Alice said. “I need to be more organized.”Here Tina played the initiator/bolt and Alice the receiver/nut. You see these roles in every conversation around you and in every conversation you have.Sometimes people compete for the roles. When one person stakes out the initiator role, another person might try to take that role away.Alice and Tina’s further conversation offers an example.“I know an excellent personal trainer,” Tina said.“Oh, I know the best in town and I have trained with him,” Alice said.“Mine is a she,” Tina said. “Perhaps you would do better with a woman.”“No,” Alice said. “I prefer working with a male trainer.”“Why Alice, that’s silly.”“No, it’s silly to work with a woman when you could be working with a man.” In this conversation Alice and Tina competed for the initiator role. They got nowhere because neither of them played the reciprocal receiver role.Tina might have said, “I get it, Alice. I’m missing a good time. I talk to Tom and rarely to any other man. I would enjoy a male trainer.” Then there would be a place to put what Alice knows and the conversation would have resolved and moved on.Or Alice might have said, “You know Tina, I have been unsuccessful with that male trainer. I’m embarrassed to be so exposed in front of a man as fat as I am. You’re right. A woman trainer would be better.” If Alice had said this, she would have taken on the receiver role and the conversation would have resolved and moved on.Now consider Tom and Bill competing for the nurturing, receiving role.“That thin body,” Bill said, “shows me that you have found the secret for life.”“No Bill,” Tom said. “I envy you your healthy, happy son with good sense and a good job. You have the secret to a good life.”“No, that’s just luck,” Bill said. “You know how to take care of yourself and you do.”“Yes, I can lift weights,” Tom said, “but I can’t raise a son like you did.” They could go competing to be the receiver person who nurtures and gives power away to the other, Tom wanting to honor and appreciate what Bill knew and Bill trying to do the same for Tom.Bill could have resolved this competition by saying:“You are right. I raised a fine boy. I’m thankful for that.”If Bill had said this, he would have become the bolt received by Tom’s open receiver role.If Tom had said, “You are right. I work out every day. Try it. You will feel better.” Then Tom would have resolved the conversation by becoming the initiator to Bill’s receiver role.As these examples suggest, it is important to note that these roles are not exclusive to men or women. Both sexes play both roles, as you can see in the above examples. Yes, women tend to play the receiver role more often than men and men play the initiator role more often and some people seem to always tend toward one role or the other. We all have played both roles at one time or another. And today, more often than ever before, women take on the initiator role, while men take on the receiver role.This is not the first time that a writer has observed these two aspects of social engagement. Heraclitus proposed a law that every proposition attracts its opposite. Freud used unfortunate language to observe how erections or proposals attract castration or attack. Jung saw this phenomenon in terms of gender and called it anima and animus. He noted Eastern philosophers who used “yin” and “yang” to make this same point. In many languages words are sexualized and one word represents the feminine meaning of the term while another represents the masculine of the same term.