Chapter Eight: A Constructive Reframe

The therapist may offer a reframe that creates a new way to understand the problems in a relationship. You’ll recall Tonya and Mahala from chapter 7. Just prior to the session reported in the last chapter they were having a serious crisis. This story comes from that visit.“Tonya’s gone nuts,” Mahala said. “I don’t know what’s happened. She had an affair with the carpenter last year. She admits it. After thirty years as a lesbian, she comes out of the closet and she is suddenly straight.”“You are never home,” Tonya said. “And suddenly you are so demanding and drinking more. You are angry when you are sober. You retreat to your music room, where you can’t be disturbed. We have no social life. I take care of the children while you are out of town, which is 200 days a year. And when you are home you are too exhausted to go out with me or to entertain friends. You enjoy a book more than you do me or the children. What was I supposed to do?”“I think she may be bipolar,” Mahala said. “We both think her father and his mother were. It runs in families. And suddenly she seems to be impulsive, self-destructive and angry like manic people often are. I have been a social recluse since she has known me. I have always liked to work alone on my music or read a good book. This is nothing new.“I play the father role in our family. I am the provider. I tend to the children some when I’m in town, but Tonya has always been their mother. She is the one they count on. They overwhelm me sometimes. Tonya has accepted this role gladly—until now. I think she is having a bipolar episode.”“I think Mahala has become a full-blown alcoholic,” Tonya said. “She always drank too much. She stopped smoking marijuana two years ago because it was affecting her voice. Her mother was an alcoholic, her brother, her uncle, her grandfather — talk about running in families! Mahala has gone overboard with her drinking and anger. And she is trying to blame this on me.”Tears came to Tonya’s eyes. She bit her lip and continued, “I admit things are different for me now. I don’t love and worship her like I did. I’m angry about the children. The birth of Kathy was particularly hard for me. She was out of town at the time. The only childcare she can claim is that she was present for the birth of Sonya, but she scheduled that and had a simple C-section. Two weeks after Kathy was born, she left to go out of town and I was Sonya’s wet nurse. I had to go alone to China to get Tom.  I admit I never complained about this. But secretly, I resented it.” Tonya’s voice took a firmer tone.“And yes, I’m speaking up about it now. I’m not bipolar. I’m not spending money lavishly. Yes, I had an affair, one in twenty-five years. Since she is so often on the road, I have never asked Mahala how many affairs she has had because I don’t want to know.”“I don’t drink as much as my grandfather did or my uncle or brother,” Mahala said. “And perhaps I need to cut down. This is the first I have heard Tonya complain about that. My road manager mentioned my drinking one time but Tonya never has. I stopped drinking for six months two years ago. I could do that again.”“Do you want a divorce?” I asked.“Well, we can’t get divorced,” Tonya said. “Tennessee doesn’t recognize that we are married.”“Of course,” I said.“And if we did dissolve our union, Tonya would get nothing,” Mahala said. “And I would have no one to take care of Sonya and Tom. And legally I suppose she could take Kathy away and I would never see her again. It is clear that she is their primary parent. They all would be loyal to her. I don’t want a divorce either, even if Tennessee did allow that. I want you to tell Tonya to see a psychiatrist and get on lithium.”“And I want you to stop drinking!” Tonya shouted at Mahala. “And for your information, I have seen a psychiatrist. He gave me a prescription for Prozac. He said I was depressed and that I was not bipolar.”“Well, I can stop drinking for six months,” Mahala said.“These sound like good next steps,” I said.“Yes, but we are still yelling at each other and I don’t feel any closer,” Tonya said.Mahala said, “That’s why we came to you. We need help.”“How old are you?” I asked.“I’m 49, Mahala’s 48,” Tonya answered.“Do you remember Ms. Magazine?” I asked.“Sure,” they responded.“The editors of Ms. commissioned a book once about what happens to a young girl’s personality when she hits puberty,” I explained. “The premise was that a ten-year-old prepubescent girl has a clear sense of her likes and dislikes. She is just as full of spit and vinegar as any boy. She has her own agenda. And then comes puberty and estrogen. The girl turns into a social caretaker, pleasing others before attending to herself. This nurturing can become so intense that, as a girl transforms into a woman, she can lose herself. Many women are lost to themselves, taking care of husbands and children until they reach menopause. And then they lose their estrogen and they get back their spit and vinegar.“Often marriages crash on the rocks of menopause. The contract changes. The woman is no longer willing to serve her husband. She has her own interests to pursue.“I once was in a group therapy session of 75 or so therapists sitting in a large circle. Across from me was a woman about 50 years old. About seven people down from me on my side of the room was her husband. The woman said, ‘I’m fifty years old. My children are grown. I don’t want any more children. I’m tired of people sucking on my tits. I’m closing down that part of my life. My tits are closed for business.’ With that she glared at her husband. It was clear they were renegotiating their marriage contract at this stage of their marriage.“It appears to me that you two are at a similar place. Tonya wants to renegotiate the marriage contract.”“That’s right,” Tonya said. “There are things I used to let pass that I can’t anymore. I have to stick up for me now. I won’t let Mahala have her way just because she makes the money or the world thinks she is a star. My life is just as important as hers and I intend to reclaim my life.”“This is making some sense to me,” Mahala said. “I haven’t wanted to talk about this and I’ll bet Tonya is as embarrassed to admit this as I am, but I have hot flashes. I got a hairpiece recently because my hair is thinning. I can’t get rid of the ten pounds I have around my middle. I’ve lost interest in sex. I thought it was because I was drinking so much, but maybe I’m low on hormones.”“You know how before menopause you women have had the opportunity once a month to check out the dark side of your emotions?” I asked.“Opportunity,” Tonya said. “Is that what you call it?”“Well yes,” I said. “We men just go along pretending all is well. We never are really called to clean out our emotional closets. But once a month women get that chance.“Menopause is, I think, a chance to take this to a different level. Tonya wants to clean out the resentments in your marriage. She wants to reclaim her life. She wants to go into the past and tell you things about how she feels that you never knew. If you are willing, perhaps she can rid herself of a lot of emotional poison. If you care and can be accountable for how you hurt her, perhaps she can forgive you, reclaim her soul and make a new relationship contract with you. And perhaps you might find you need to clean out your emotional closet as well.”“I never thought of our conflicts like this,” Mahala said.“Me either,” Tonya agreed. “I’m game. This is the first hope I have had in two years.”“I feel good about this too,” Mahala said.This story demonstrated how a new way of thinking helped a relationship move beyond a stalemate. The conflict was joined; blame cast back and forth; the impasse clear. There appeared to be little common ground. Then the therapist offered a new frame for the conflict. The frame put things in perspective. It made a place for all parties’ feelings. It raised the conversation from personal to universal. It helped un-demonize and un-victimize all the parties. In this story a reframe was all that was needed.In this story the therapist was not just a neutral person. As the therapist, my character brought something new to the table, something that added information, another emotion and a different level of thought. Therapists must be neutral with no personal stake in the conflict. But they should add a new flavor, serve a new value, and create some reason to reopen the minds with two opposing points of view.Good reframing of the conversation does this. The notion of menopause elevated the dialogue. It stopped the blaming and gave Tonya and Mahala a new way to think about their feelings as a problem of aging, not a problem of personalities.