Changing the Momentum: Mike and Beth Ann

Mike, a local doctor, came to see me for our fifth session.“I’m feeling better,” he said. “I was depressed but I’ve done my homework. I used that ritual you gave me from your book Emotion Rituals and I’m doing better.“I’m glad to hear it,” I said, unsure about the sudden flight into mental well-being.“I haven’t told my wife what I’m doing,” he said. “She noticed me in a better mood. We were playing bridge with another couple, usually an occasion for us to bicker. One of us finds fault with the other. After she lays her cards down on the table as the dummy, I usually begin my assault. I might use the word “dummy” to refer to her opening bid, when in bridge “dummy” is the word used to identify the player who lays down their hand for all players to see as the tricks are played out.“After whatever snide remark I might make, she comes back with her version of a nasty comment about me.“On that night, I didn’t play that game. I was quiet. I watched as the other couple danced their version of this negative, angry, sarcastic dance. It seemed so natural. They both seemed to take no offense. It was what, before this therapy, I would have called “teasing” or “mean words meant in fun” or “just play.” But in my new emotional space, it seemed different. I usually played my version of this game with my wife. I didn’t want to this night. My wife fired her shot to invite me to join the communal bickering. I don’t remember which of my many faults she nominated for me to defend. Whatever it was, I didn’t respond.“I found myself detached, observing, playing cards but not joining into the defense of men and me, or the attack of women and my wife. It was strange. My wife began to slow down her attacks. The other couple continued with a vengeance. Probably this spirit of vengeance was what my wife and I used to feel and express. From this new observing position, the game seemed mean, silly and unnecessary.“I didn’t feel any closer to my wife but I didn’t go home as angry and closed down as I have felt after an evening of cards with our friends. And she said that I was different that night and she enjoyed me.”“I wonder,” I asked, “What it would be like if you played the game with compliments and affirmations for your wife and not criticisms?”“I really don’t have much good to say about the insensitive bitch,” he said. “She is fat. Her hair is thinning. Her breasts fall to her navel. She is lazy, insipid and boring. All she does is whine.”“So are you saying,” I began, “that this woman to whom you have been married for thirty years, who bore your children, tended them for you, accompanied you to boring events with your extended family, cooked and created a home for you has nothing about her that is good that you can notice and acknowledge? If that is true, then I don’t think she is the one at fault.”“I see your point. Surely there are good things about her.”“Once you are joined in this battle of critical barbs, you see her as against you. As you defend yourself against her, you gather facts that you can use to devalue her. Once you begin this, your perception becomes distorted. You thrust every bit of information you come across about your wife into evidence against her, your adversary and eventually there is nothing about her that you see as good.“It is not your wife to whom you are married. You are not married even to a person. You are married to a negative downward critical process of tearing down your opponent. How unfortunate for this poor woman, who is your wife, that she has become the target of your attacks. And it is just as unfortunate for you that you have become the target of her attacks.”“Oh my God,” he said. “You are right. What has happened to my marriage? It is not her fault. It is not my fault. We are an old married couple. I thought about leaving and starting with someone else but I can’t afford a divorce and I’ve lost my libido. I would disappoint.“But now, I see that if I did start over with someone else, in time I would end up in this same place. Because this is what marriage is.”“No,” I said. “This is what marriage is without an owner’s manual. It is what happens in a car when the power steering leaks and you don’t fix it. It is what happens when you don’t change the oil. Marriages need regular maintenance too.“Human brains are organized to focus on things that go wrong, to look for fault and to place blame away from ourselves onto someone else.“Our brains are not organized to notice the good, to praise, acknowledge, appreciate, apologize, forgive, listen, really listen, to share and offer compassion before blame—essential things to the maintenance of a relationship. We have to learn these unnatural skills and practice them if we want our relationship to avoid becoming an old wreck.”“So there is something we can do about this?” Mike asked.“Yes,” I answered, “but you can do something if you want with or without her help. You can look for the good in your wife, mention it to her, acknowledge that this good part of her matters to you and appreciate her for it. You can change the music of your voice from sarcastic and cynical to praising and appreciating.“Just as you have noticed that spending time in a compassionate space rather than an angry place feels better to you, this affirmative appreciation will feel better too. That is the best reason to raise your eyes from what’s wrong, poor-me, blaming place into the what’s right, appreciation, praising place. You don’t bring yourself to this place to manipulate your wife into appreciating you. That may eventually happen, but if that’s your motivation, you will be disappointed and angry at her if it doesn’t. And you will be drawn back to a responding in kind, tit-for-tat negativity.”“So a relationship is like a car,” Mike said in a contemplative voice. “I haven’t had a clue what it needed. Our marriage didn’t come with an owner’s manual and I am certainly not trained as a mechanic. I don’t have the tools and I’m not sure I can stay in this positive place you are talking about without help.”