Adding a Parent: Attachment Theory and the Doe Family’s Divorce: An Example of Parent/Child Reunification
By David W. McMillan, Ph.D.
Attachment theory is the leading family psychology theory that describes the development of the family bond. The bond begins with the parents’ love, respect and passion for one another; the pride they feel when they become aware that each of them is loved by the other; that they share a bond, an attachment that inspires commitment and mutual support. Hopefully, the moment of conception represents the joy each provides the other.
It is this bond that is often symbolized by marriage and eventually by the birth of a child that forms their shared pride into their family. Our species wish if for the joy and pride shared by the parents to emanate to the child.
If the child is also blessed by this love and acceptance, the child develops a secure attachment and the values that come from being loved, cared for and provided for by his/her parents. Research of infant brain development has shown that the care a child receives in the first eighteen months of a child’s life is critical to brain development.
If during that first eighteen months, the child has a relationship with at least one of its parents, in which the child can count on a caring response when she cries out for help (often not knowing why) and the parent responds and comforts her, that child’s brain develops differently than the child who does not get this kind of parental response.
The child with the doting parent(s) carries with him/her for the rest of their lives a confidence that they are loved and that they live in a world where they can believe, have faith and expect that trust and loyalty will be reciprocated. Research indicates that this faith and confidence extends beyond this child to the next generation.
The child whose parents are unable to provide this sense of security grows up to believe that they cannot trust others, that loyalty is not reciprocated, that the only person they can trust is themselves. These children become vigilant, suspicious and street smart. They manage to get by through manipulating the system. They don’t respect authority and they don’t follow rules and they have no sense of loyalty or trust in others.
These children have what’s called an insecure attachment. Their self-esteem is low. Integrity does not reward them. They feel no reciprocal loyalty, no sense of family. They don’t trust authority and often for good reason.
The child with a secure attachment is the opposite. They are trusting, not conniving. They are loyal and truthful. They believe that when they give love and respect, that it will be returned.
The strong union and bond of the parents with each other is what maintains the family attachment and sense of loyalty. The parent’s pride in the fact that their co-parent loves and respects them is contagious and it builds a family culture with a sense of pride in the family. This is seen in family events, Thanksgiving, Christmas, visits to graves, etc.
Divorce is a significant blow to family loyalty. This family once had a name, the Doe’s. What does that name mean after a divorce? Since Mom and Dad can’t be loyal to one another as husband and wife, what loyalties should the children continue to serve?
Some divorces don’t create these loyalty challenges. In these divorces, parents explain that they still love and respect one another. They still believe in the essential goodness of each other and they share a mutual respect. And they are sad and regret that they did not attend to their relationship as they should have, that both had a part in the failure of the marriage.
The children are not at fault. They didn’t cause the divorce. Yes, children create challenges but they (the divorcing parents) have always welcomed that challenge and both are confident in the other that they still do delight in their role as parents and take great joy and pride in their children.
The children have a job. It’s the same job that they have always had. And that is to love and obey both parents equally. And that when the child is in trouble with one parent, they are still in trouble with the other, just as it was prior to the divorce. The children can count on their parents remaining a close parental team united in what they believe is right for the children.
The children of such a healthy divorce usually remain on a healthy developmental path. They continue to feel a sense of family loyalty. They continue to have pride in the family name. They are proud to be a member of the Doe family. They know that this is what both parents wish for them.
Many divorces, unfortunately, don’t maintain this respect and loyalty. Often parents leave the marriage with the legacy of distrust and bitterness. Often they don’t share the same parenting values and don’t respect one another as parents. When this happens the parental authority structure disintegrates and the children feel forced to choose or they feel abandoned. They often feel that only one parent cares about them.
When one of the parents begins to develop a new intimate adult relationship after the divorce, children are often threatened. Sometimes the children watch the courting parent shift priorities and make decisions that honor their new romantic interest. They may feel betrayed.
Or the parent with the romantic interest may not change their approach to parenting, but the children fear that they will and imagine they have.
Blending this new romantic interest into a family takes time and requires a delicate approach. The new adult threatens the stability of the family system. Children will test that new person to see if they are trust worthy. It may take years for the new adult to earn the children’s trust. Children entering adolescence have a difficult time creating their own identity and at the same time accepting and trusting a new adult family member. This is a natural developmental period of testing adult authority.
The non-courting parent plays a critical role in this awkward family reformation time. They can sabotage and undermine the development of their child’s relationship with this new authority figure in their lives. Their acceptance, encouragement, and support of this new adult authority is essential to the success of this family’s blending.
The courting parent may have brought a new adult into the child’s home, who may assume they can discipline the children when they have not yet earned the right in the child’s mind and they may not know how discipline works in the child’s family culture. Often the oldest child or the strongest child will revolt against the courting parent and the new adult authority.
The way parents do or do not unite as parents after a divorce is critical to the child’s future. The decisions they make after a divorce can have long-term consequences. The courting parent may not be protecting the children from this new adult.
Dating should be siloed and compartmentalized away from the children. Yet, the children should know and expect their parents to be dating. The name of the person of interest should not become known for some time, at least six months or when the children show interest in knowing about this new person.
Time with the new love interest should be segregated from the children. Integration of this new person should be very gradual. The courting or later married coparent should always provide time with the children without the new adult or stepparent.
In the parent’s time alone with his/her children without the stepparent, the children report that they miss the stepparent and wish she was included, then the compartmental walls can begin to come down. Otherwise maintain some level of separateness between the new partner/parent and the children.
Hopefully the new love interest will also court the children, take time alone with each one, take advantage of opportunities to praise them, keep commitments and promises made to them. As a new person in the life of these children, look for ways to sincerely enjoy them and delight in their achievements, talents and personalities.
The job of a stepparent is the most difficult job in a blended family.